sentimental pychopathic priests
by shinacira
Summary: alexander makes a certain elf angry, now he must pay, how, by being what he most hates... sadely ceras victoria just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, now will they get there bodys back or forever be there oppisute
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: if I owned hellsing I would be rich and live in a huge mansion with lots and lots of manga and anime, sadly I don't. so don't sue me, nothing ever comes form it, cept money, I have a quarter that's it.  
  
Chapter 1: Alexander's mistake #1  
  
Alexander Anderson sighed lightly looking around, all he could see was dust from the two vampires and six ghouls he had just killed, he smiled to himself yes now the world was rid of a few more devils, he turned around ready to leave when he heard something, he looked around there coming from the closet, he crept slowly knowing it most likely another vampire, he took out one of his blades holding it secretly in his hand he slowly opened the door a crack, not noticing anything he threw the door opened, staring in he saw crimson red eyes staring back, he let out a scream it screamed back.  
  
This continued for about five minutes till Alexander the "brave" priest realized something, he was screaming and this was the undead. He stopped himself staring at the figure for a few minutes before slapping him/her in the face. Making the screaming stop.  
  
Alexander: get a hold of yourself demon  
  
The figure nodded, Alexander shook his head  
  
Alexander: now that, is over  
  
Alexander drove his blade deep into the vampire's chest; he watched as it fell to the floor, he broke into a maniac laugh.  
  
Voice: holy crap next time can you avoid my chest you almost cut my tits off with those  
  
Alexander looked around, hearing a clank he looked down, noticing the vampire he had just "killed" was A) not dead B) a very familiar blonde vampire C) she just ripped the blade from her chest  
  
Alexander: you  
  
Was the only word he could make come out  
  
Ceras: me what?  
  
Alexander: what are you doing here monster  
  
Alexander pulled out another blade  
  
Ceras: I was sent here to kill those vampires then the ghouls killed everyone I was about to kill them when you showed up, so I decided to hide in this closet in order to avoid you  
  
Alexander: why are you scared of me monster  
  
Alexander held up one of his blades to scare her a little wanting to drive another blade throught her heart  
  
Ceras: no of course I am not.. why are you scared of me  
  
Alexander: fat chance, I am not scared of anything  
  
Ceras stood to her feet  
  
Ceras: is that a fact?  
  
Alexander: of a matter of fact.. AHH SPIDER KILL IT KILL IT  
  
Alexander after seeing the spider jumped into ceras's arm holding onto her like she was her last thread of hope  
  
Ceras: its only a little spider you know  
  
Ceras grinned knowing now he was afraid of something  
  
Alexander: besides the point, it is creepy kill it now  
  
Ceras sighed brining her foot hard down on the spider, killing it  
  
Ceras: its dead  
  
Alexander: really?  
  
Ceras nodded,  
  
Alexander: well tha. why are you touching me you monster  
  
Ceras: cause you jumped into my arms  
  
Alexander: I did no such thing now put me down  
  
Ceras rolled her eyes before dropping him on the ground,  
  
Alexander while rubbing his sore behind: ouch why did you have to drop me  
  
Ceras: you seriously are a insane freak  
  
Alexander: no I am sane, everyone tells me so, like those nice nurses in the happy place where you get a happy hugging jacket and a padded room to play in  
  
Ceras: thought so  
  
Ceras sighed shaking her head as she walked away, Alexander jumped up  
  
Alexander: where do you think you are going demon, don't run come and face me  
  
Ceras: you are a waste of time, so I see now  
  
Alexander: what did you say monster  
  
Alexander through the blade at her, it missed by a mere inch impaling the poor door in front of ceras  
  
Alexander: oh god,  
  
Alexander ran to the door, trying to pull the blade out  
  
Ceras: what's the matter, you are more worried of killing a poor door instead of a spider?  
  
Alexander: no this is my last holy sword  
  
Alexander kept reefing at it  
  
Ceras: really, well to bad for you  
  
She walked past him out of the building into the street, a few minutes later after Alexander had pulled the blade out by putting his feet on the door pushing while he pulled with his hands, falling on his ass then getting up again, he ran out after ceras  
  
Alexander: wait up so I can send you to hell  
  
Ceras shook her head not slowing down, eventually alexander caught up  
  
Alexander: why did you not wait?  
  
Ceras: you are a loser  
  
Alexander: what did you just call me  
  
Ceras sighed as she stopped turning towards the "priest"  
  
Ceras: you are a insult of the church just look at yourself, why I was afraid of you was beyond me, you are like a clown  
  
Alexander: I beg your pardon, and what do you mean look at myself?  
  
Ceras: you look like a escaped mental patient, you are obsessed with killing my master, you are afraid of spiders, you are a understatement of a holy man, you cuss, you kill why the fuck did they let you become what you are, did you bribe someone?  
  
Alexander: for starters I look good, and not like a maniac, I am only obsessed with killing your master because of something.. You don't need to know, and spiders are evil, and and and, I did not bribe anyone, it isn't easy being me you know, having to insane most the time to uphold my image, I am very sensitive underneath  
  
With this Alexander started to break down crying leaning his head on Ceras's shoulder, Ceras sighed patting his back  
  
Ceras: there there, it is okay  
  
Alexander: no it is not you don't understand me  
  
Ceras: it isn't so bad. Hell just look at my life  
  
Alexander: you are dead  
  
Ceras: fine after life, anyways I have to drink blood forever, I sleep in a coffin, and I cant go for day walks  
  
Alexander: that must bite.. hahaha bite you get it  
  
Ceras: you are lame  
  
Alexander: well so are you, you could not even spend a day in my life  
  
Ceras: and you coudent mine  
  
Alexander: but you are dead  
  
Ceras: fuck you  
  
With this ceras pushed Alexander off of her she turned stalking off towards hellsing manor  
  
Alexander: geeze, PMS  
  
Alexander turned walking back to his hotel not far from there, on his way there, he thought long and hard, and got a headache, eventually he got to a dark alley way thinking it a short cut he stepped into it while walking thought the alley way some ugly guy with percings stopped him  
  
Ugly guy: well well well what do we have here boys  
  
Short dude beside ugly dude: looks like a priest  
  
Ugly guy: so it seems, you know father you have to pay the toll to get thought here  
  
Fat dude beside ugly guy: yeah so give us some cash  
  
Short dude: but guys we do this we can go to hell  
  
Ugly guy: we already are there  
  
Short dude: really  
  
The fat dude shook his head  
  
Ugly dude: so give us money or else we will make you  
  
Alexander having listened to the ranting rolled his eyes  
  
Alexander: really and how do you suppose you do this?  
  
The ugly dude cracked his knuckles  
  
Ugly guy/dude: we will make ya  
  
Alexander shook his head and reached for his last blade  
  
Alexander: I suggest you back off  
  
Short dude: yeah like hell we will  
  
Alexander: I warned you  
  
Before Alexander could do anything something rushed past him knocking the fat guy off his feet, it then grabbed ugly guy and through him into a wall, the short dude feeling scared backed off  
  
Short dude: what the fuck  
  
The short dude pulled out a knife, but to no avail he was kicked into the fat guy who fell back into the wall cracking his head both unconscious, a figure stood over all three men, who were now in a huge pile.  
  
Stranger: good riddance, so. how are you  
  
The figure said not facing Alexander  
  
Alexander: just fine. who are you what do you want?  
  
Stranger: I thought you would never asked  
  
The stranger now turned around facing Alexander, it was a woman, she had short black hair, her bangs were a bright orange they went to her shoulders, her skin was a very pale color, she was about 5'6, her clothes in Alexander's opinion to gaudy and un-lady like, (to say it in good terms) there was a black vest with matching boots and gloves, her to short of a skirt was blood red, the tube top she wore was the same color, her eyes of all were the one thing that really got to our dear "priest" there were orange like her hair. Alexander jumped back blades raised.  
  
Alexander: you are a demon  
  
Staranger: no a elf, and the most cutest at that  
  
The stranger struck a pose  
  
Stranger: and my name is shinacira the greatest of them all  
  
Shinacira the elf, had little chance to doge as the blade went whirling past her head  
  
Shinacira O_O: what the fuck was that for  
  
Alexander: you are a demon and must be sent back to hell  
  
Shinacira: no I said elf E L F, elf, got it  
  
Alexander: demon  
  
Shinacira: elf  
  
Alexander: you are a demon and that is that, I am a preist so don't argue with me  
  
Shinacira stuck her tongue out  
  
Shinacira: elf now shut up or else  
  
Alexander: try your worse demon  
  
Shinacria: fine be that way, lets see what to do what to do  
  
Shinacira thought and pondered in till she snapped her fingers  
  
Shinacira: for your insolence, tomorrow when you awake you will be what you most hate  
  
Alexander: a spider?  
  
Shinacira: fuck no, that would be to nice  
  
With this shinacria turned walking away, Alexander growled picking up his last blade again, just then his watch went off he looked down  
  
Alexander: dammit now I have to rebook my flight  
  
This followed by a huge line of cusses, unaware to our "priest" friend, the curse, which he forgot in the spur of the moment, was going to be his worst nightmare so far.  
  
A/N: yeah this is it, the first chapter; I hope you enjoyed don't forget to review  
  
Kyo clone #1: can we get paid now  
  
Kyo clone #2: yeah you promised  
  
Author: Fat chances I only have a quarter  
  
Kyo clone #1: well we will split it please  
  
Author: will you abandoned me like the other muses did?  
  
Kyo clone #1 and #2: no we are loyal to you oh great one  
  
Author: that's great. you still wont get paid  
  
Kyo clone #1: bully  
  
Kyo clone #2: dident they take a vacation?  
  
Author: yes they did.. Now before we ramble on all night let me say these last few words: never run with scissors  
  
Kyo clone #1: that's common sense  
  
Author: so.. Anyways I don't own KOF these are my fill ins while the rest of my muses are on vacation, please stay tuned 


	2. chapter 2

Disclaimer: why don't Mr. fork and miss outlet like each other?? I don't know either, I think it has to do with pretty sparks..not that has to do with the disclaimer, but anyways, I don't own hellsing  
  
Chapter 2: the switch made, 6 days late  
  
Alexander sighed heavily as he laid down on his bed, it had been a week since London, the strange elf woman was far from his head, he was tired now, having spent nearly three days up, and having to hear Maxwell rant and rave when he got back was not his idea of fun. More killing vampires was his kind of fun. He groaned lightly as he rolled over falling slowly to sleep.  
  
When Alexander awoke he could swear it morning, but it was dark, very dark. he must have been tired last night he thought as he sat up banging his head against something hard, he cussed as he rubbed his head, he felt around noticing he was in a closed place, but not just any he could swear it was a coffin. he growled in his throat he tried to find a way to open to coffin but to no hope, the then started to pound on it, screaming cusses and a whole lot of other unnecessary words  
  
Alexander: if this is someone's idea of a joke this is a very sick on, let me out okay, this isn't funny anymore.  
  
This continued for a few more minutes till the lid slowly opened, before it could fully opened he rolled out.  
  
Alexander: about bloody time, who the fuck did that  
  
Slowly Alexander got to his feet, looking around, the room was not his own, a small table and chair lied in the middle of the room, the bed behind him, a small nightstand by the bed. The only other occupant of the room was the elderly butler of the hellsing, or so Alexander recalled  
  
Alexander: so its you, I wondered who was involved  
  
The elder butler aka Walter: I am sorry miss. Victoria, but I am afraid I don't know what you are talking about  
  
Alexander: for starters I am not a miss I am a sir, and my name is Alexander Anderson from section thirteen of the Iscariot  
  
Walter stood there staring at alexander in disbelief  
  
Alexander: what? Do I have something on my face  
  
Walter: are you feeling okay miss?  
  
Alexander: I am just fine and for the last time I am a man, a manly manly man  
  
Walter stood there a few minutes before he broke out laughing  
  
Walter: you had me there miss. Victoria  
  
Alexander: what do you mean  
  
Walter: oh the joke you just played, I never knew you had such a sence of humor in you  
  
Alexander: no joke I am Alexander Anderson, why just look at me, how can I not be him  
  
Walter: well for starters Alexander Anderson is male, second his hair is a lighter blonde, and his eyes are green, oh and he has a scar and look like a escaped mental patient  
  
Alexander: I am not a escaped mental patient, the let me out on good behavior, second if I wasn't male I wouldn't have a man part  
  
Walter: if you have any man parts under those clothes I am seriously going to doubt my sexuality, so are half the troops  
  
Alexander: what the hell do you mean, I am who I say I am, just look at my hair  
  
It was then our favorite maniac noticed his hair was a redder blonde then it should be, then something hit him, his voice was a few more pitches higher then usual  
  
Walter: well you could have fooled me  
  
Walter then turned walking out tired of the small joke he was half way down the hall when he heard a ear deafening scream, he turned running towards the scream. Meanwhile back in the room, Alexander and noticed his body changed it didn't feel right, he lifted his hands to his face feeling it, it felt more soft, more like a woman's face, and there was no scar there, he then looked down noticing two large things abstracting his view from the floor, it was then he let out a loud scream and fainted.  
  
Meanwhile somewhere else Ceras Victoria, slowly awoke, she felt slightly tired which was usually unlike her, she rolled over sitting up in the bed, she sighed lightly, she opened her eyes, to no use the world was blurred to her, she could not understand this. She stood up from what she could see the floor was farther then she remembered, now that she looked around, the room she was in seemed different, it had a window, It was sunny out, why she did not turn to dust was a mystery, she looked down again noticing two very large things gone, she let out a scream. It was only minutes later the door flew opened, in stepped the second worst priest in the world Enrico Maxwell  
  
Maxwell: what happened?  
  
Ceras: what are you doing here?  
  
Maxwell: you screamed I came running.. .. .. don't tell me it is another spider?  
  
Ceras: why would I a vampire be scared of a spider.. .. .. .. what are you doing in hellsing?  
  
Maxwell: are you feeling okay, do you wish me to get a doctor  
  
Ceras: yes.. something terrible has happened  
  
Maxwell: which is?  
  
Ceras: someone has amputated my breasts  
  
Maxwell stood there for a few minutes shocked  
  
Ceras: what?  
  
Maxwell: you never had breasts.. unless you got a sex change sometime I never knew about, which may explain why you have a strange obsession of the hellsing lapdog  
  
Ceras: what?  
  
Maxwell: noting Alexander, you need some sleep  
  
With this he turned to leave, Ceras was now very confused, she looked around seeing a pair of glasses thinking it a good idea she put them on, looking into the mirror this was a very bad mistake, instead of a woman looking back, there was a man, a very familiar blonde man, she let out another scream this time fainting.  
  
Back at hellsing slowly Alexander awoke very slowely his head hurt  
  
Alexander: what happened  
  
Male voice: you fainted  
  
Alexander: why  
  
Male voice: I don't know you tell me  
  
Alexander opened his eyes now it all came back, having seen that he was no longer a male he had screamed then fainted  
  
Alexander: where am I  
  
Alexander looked around seeing that old butler guy again  
  
Walter: did you have a slight forget of memory when you fainter miss.Victoria  
  
Alexander in ceras's body: I am Anderson, Anderson not Victoria  
  
Walter: right  
  
Strange voice: I wonder what she has been drinking and can I have some  
  
Walter: Alucard, what do you want  
  
Slowly he materialized through the roof, standing in front of Alexander a smug smile on his lips, as soon as he had two feet on the floor, alexander did not delay to lounge itself at the no life king wrapping her hands around his throat  
  
Alexander: your fault your fault  
  
It took about five mintues and a lot of chanting of this is all your fault and many cusses, before poor walter pried the now changed in body alexander from poor alucard  
  
Alucard after getting attacked: what was that for  
  
Alexander: this is all your fault  
  
Alucard and Walter: what is  
  
Alexander: you must have switched my body with your little pets, now look at me  
  
Alucard: is she feeling well  
  
Walter: she thinks she is Alexander Andersons  
  
Alexander: I am him, now look at me  
  
Alucard: really, well for starters Alexander, your breasts are humongous,  
  
Alexander: thanks for pointing out the obvious to me  
  
Alucard: you are welcome  
  
Alexander: change me back please  
  
Alucard: are you that desperate.. well Alexander, I cant  
  
Walter whispering to alucard: you believe her  
  
Alucard: in truth no, I am only going with the flow  
  
Alexander: I heard that  
  
Both men sighed  
  
Alucard: well Alexander if that is truly you, tell me something no one else has ever known  
  
Alexander thought for along time in till, all he could remember was three different embarrassing occasions  
  
Alucard: well  
  
Alexander: well there was that one time 'mumble' mumble' or that other 'mumble' 'mumble' or how about 'mumble' 'mumble'  
  
Walter: what was that  
  
Alucard: sorry I could not hear you  
  
Alexander: and that one time, you were mistaken for a stalker and I was mistaken for your serial killer, we were both arrested and Maxwell had to pay bail for us.. Don't know why he paid for you  
  
Alucard: you could have easily looked in my police record  
  
Walter: can't imagine why you were mistaken  
  
Alexander now red in the face: okay I remember once when we first met I was at a gay bar trying to kill this vampire, and you walked up to me hitting on me  
  
Alucard had a slight blush: I thought you were a woman  
  
Walter: sure  
  
Alexander: oh and what about the time I woke up tied to a bed with woman's clothes and markup on, and you had a camera  
  
Alucard: you burnt the pictures  
  
Walter: my, my now who has the obsession  
  
Alucard: oh quite you.. so you know all that so what  
  
Alexander: I am who I say I am, so there  
  
Walter: so you are a psychopathic maniac priest, who is in a woman body..  
  
Alexander: yes and I want changed back now  
  
Alucard: no can do  
  
Alexander: and why not monster  
  
Alucard: because I never changed you in the first place  
  
Alexander: what!!  
  
Alucard: like I said it was not me  
  
Alexander: then who was it  
  
Alexander lunged at alucard wrapping her hands around his throat  
  
Walter: Mr... I mean miss. Anderson, may you please calm down and take your hands from Alucards throat, now tell me has anything strange ever happened in the past week  
  
Alexander let go of alucards throat then sat there thinking and pondering, pondering and thinking intill his head hurts  
  
AlexandeR: oh god my head hurts  
  
Alucard: that is expected of you  
  
Alexander: what does that mean  
  
Alucard: nothing  
  
Alexander then rembered something or someone, he snapped his fingers  
  
Alexander: no I remember, there was this demon chick and I had tried to banish her to eternal damnation in hell, after that she said I would wake up the next morning turned into something I most hate.. that was a week ago  
  
Alucard: well I guess she was a few days late  
  
Walter: slightly, do you remember what she looked like  
  
Alexander: yes I do, she had pale skin, orange eyes, orange and black hair and she wore dark clothes.. that's all I remember  
  
Walter: well in that case we should get looking for her and prey for the best, I will go tell Intergal about this now I guess  
  
Alucard: wait is that wise?  
  
Walter: no, you are right I shouldn't should I?  
  
Alexander: damn straight  
  
Walter sighed before leaving the room leaving the archenemies together  
  
Alucard: I suggest a pack, I wont kill you in till you are in your normal body  
  
Alexander: why afraid  
  
Alucard: of ceras finding her body mutilated yes  
  
Alexander: in that case I guess I shall agree  
  
Alucard: that's great.. hey if you are in her body, where is ceras  
  
Alexander: in Rome  
  
Alucard: is Maxwell anywhere around  
  
Alexander: should be  
  
Alucard: I pity her  
  
Alexander: why  
  
Alucard: no reason  
  
And with these words alucard turned and left snickering to himself  
  
What will happen next, will Integal find out? Will Ceras be okay in Alexander's manly manly man body, is alucard gay, will they find the elf girl? Will the author ever be sane, this and much more next time on.. sorry I forgot the title what was it?  
  
A/N: well people please review this, it is new.. I think anyways I hope you enjoyed more to come sorry if this is going to fast passed  
  
Kyo clone #1: no you aren't  
  
Kyo clone #2: you never are sorry  
  
Author: what do you mean  
  
Kyo clone 1: you are a ditz  
  
Kyo clone 2: why did you become a writer anyways  
  
Author: the hot muses, and the fans.. mostly the muses  
  
Both clones sigh  
  
Kyo clone 2: you are hopeless  
  
Author: hey you spoke before the other for once  
  
Kyo clone 2: oh shut up  
  
Author: anyways keep watching I will update again soon 


	3. chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own castlevania,  
  
Kyo clone 1 whipsers in authors ear  
  
Author: I see, I do not own castlevania  
  
Kyo clone 2 slaps author upside the head  
  
Author: what they both have a hot vampire guy named Alucard in them, fine fine, you abusive NEST'S rejects, I don't own HELLSING you happy?  
  
Both clones nod  
  
Chapter 3: the undead to living  
  
Ceras slowely work up she knew a few things A) her head hurt, B) her vision was blurred and C) she remembered she was in alexander Anderson. When she realized the third one she jumped up from the bed freaking,  
  
Maxwell: calm down alex now before I get sedatives  
  
Ceras: I can not calm down, I am in a psychopaths body, and a man none the less  
  
Maxwell: I see, and tell me who are you  
  
Ceras: I am ceras Victoria form the hellsing institute, and I am in a man's body  
  
Maxwell: I see  
  
Maxwell rubbed his chin thoughtfully, for some reason he believed alex, if this was true then he had hit the jackpot, a legible excuse to visit England and get into hellsing  
  
Maxwell: alright in that case we must take you back to hellsing  
  
Ceras smiled joyously: really  
  
Maxwell: but of course  
  
With this ceras hugged Maxwell tightly  
  
Maxwell: air  
  
Ceras backing away blushing: oh sorry  
  
Maxwell catching breath: its okay, now we must make arrangements in order to get you back Ceras nodded before sitting down while Maxwell excited the room.  
  
Meanwhile back in the land of tea time and where gentlemen are all around, Alexander had trouble adjusting  
  
Alexander: MONSTER  
  
Alucard appeared through the roof  
  
Alucard: yes priest  
  
Alexander: how the hell do you put this on  
  
Alexander held up a bra the other covering the chest  
  
Alucard started at him for a few moments before breaking out laughing  
  
Alexander: what is so funny  
  
Alucard: you cant out lingerie on  
  
Alexander: so I am not a pervert like you now help me  
  
Alucard: does that mean I can take it off later  
  
Alexander picked up the nearest object throwing it at alucard who dodged  
  
Alexander: put the bloody thing on me  
  
Alexander shoved the bra towards alucard who snickered as he walked over taking it from Alexander  
  
Alucard: well first how about you but it on yourself so I can do up the back  
  
Alexander swiped the bra back putting it onto her chest alucard laughed as he did the bra up mostly because he was doing that secondly because the look on Alexander's face, after he was done he stepped back  
  
Alexander: thanks now get out  
  
Alucard: cant I watch you finish  
  
Alexander: no now fuck off  
  
Alucard: such words for such a.. Woman as yourself  
  
Alexander picked up another object throwing it at alucard who snicker through the wall in time, alexander growled before putting the shirt on that he had found he opened the door storming out into the hall.  
  
Meanwhile alucard appeared behind walter  
  
Walter: so what did, it want  
  
Alucard: he wanted his bra put on  
  
Walter: really?  
  
Alucard: yep  
  
Walter started to laugh at this after getting mental images  
  
Walter: well what do you expect, he was a priest  
  
Alucard: if that's what you could call it  
  
With this they both started to laugh again  
  
Alexander having found his way to the kitchen: what's so funny  
  
Alucard: a dirty joke you wouldn't get it  
  
Alexander: whatever  
  
Walter: here is your blood pack  
  
Walter handed a blood packet over to alexander who wrinkled his nose up at it in disgust  
  
Alexander: what are you trying to do  
  
Walter: I am only concerned of your well being now drink it  
  
Alexander: you joking  
  
Alucard: no he isn't, and if you don't we will hold you down and force it down your throat  
  
Alexander: if any of this gets back to section thirteen, you are all dead men  
  
Alucard and walter nodded as Alexander opened the packet sipping it lightly, looking like he was about to gag  
  
Walter: now is that so bad  
  
Alexander finishing the blood: not as bad as I expected but still pretty bad  
  
Alucard snickered before walking away snickering as he went through the wall  
  
Walter: I have talked to sir. Hellsing you can the day off since you are sick  
  
Alexander: I thought vampires couldn't get sick  
  
Walter: they can now  
  
With that walter left thought the door Alexander sighed sitting down wondering what the hell could happen next and if things could get any worse. This statement of course was not true, because It was going to get worse, a lot worse  
  
A/N: sorry if this sucks, I could not think rightly, oh well hope you all like don't forget to review, thank you and keep reading  
  
Kyo clone #1: yeah, or you will never find out what will happen  
  
Kyo clone #2: wow what a shame  
  
Author: what does this mean  
  
Kyo clone #1: nothing  
  
Kyo clone #2: absolutely nothing  
  
Author: I hope so rejects  
  
Kyo clone #1 and #2: loser  
  
Author: -_-' 


	4. chapter 4

Chapter 4: days off and airport hell

Ceras and Maxwell arrived at the airport 3 hours before there flight, reason being as anyone who has ever taken a plane at a large airport knows is that it takes a long long long time to go through baggage check and security check, let alone having to walk from one side to the other. So there they were in baggage check waiting

5 mins later

still waiting

10 mins later

still waiting

20 mins later

yep waiting

ceras: for the love of god can this line go any faster

maxwell: please dev.. .. .. miss. Victoria keep your voice down

ceras: well this is taking so bloody long and that bastard at the front clearly doesn't have any identification so why the hell does he keep trying

maxwell: not in public please

ceras: bloody wankers YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS

ceras in dramatization threw her arms out to the side hitting two people in the face and sending them flying back into other people making more people fall down. it seems at that moment everyone turned to look at the vampire turned psychotic priest, Maxwell covered his face in shame

maxwell: I said not in public

random guy in line: I don't want to go to hell

other random guy: neither do I

random kid: holy shit that was almost to the wall

everyone in front for some odd reason moved to the side to let the priests to the front of the line.

Maxwell looked at the abashed woman turned man and shrugged before he picked his bags up and walked to the front of the line

Lady: g..good m..morning si..se.. sirs who.. how can I help you?

Stuttered the woman at the front desk looking over to the people who were knocked over from ceras's outburst.

Maxwell: oh yes here are our bags (maxwell hands bags over)

Lady: and where are you leaving to sirs?

Maxwell: England

Lady: and did u pack these bags yourself

Maxwell: yes ma'am

Ceras: he packed mine for me

Lady: I see.. well here is your tickets sir

The lady at the counter handed the tickets over shakily

Maxwell: thank you ma'am and have a nice day

Ceras: and god bless ye

The lady just nodded as Maxwell and ceras in Alexander's body moved on the security

Meanwhile back in London where gentlemen kick ass in suits and don't end up with a spot of blood (least in the movies)

Alexander: I am bored as hell

Alucard: so play with yourself

Alexander jumped slightly to the appearance of another voice

Alexander: what's that supposed to mean you filthy heathen

Alucard: are you really that virtuous of mind

Alexander: pervert

Picking up the nearest object he threw it at alucard but since he was a shadow in the wall kind of thing it kind of hit the wall.

Alexander: bastard

With these words Alexander stormed out of the room in a huff and down the hall

Alexander: one of these days I am going to steak him with a blade made of silver from a cross blessed by the pope, I am then going to rip the bastards black heart out and burn the bloody thing before his eyes, I am then going to cut his arms and hands off and throw them in a box burying them 6 feet under Notre dame, I am going to rip his legs off and beat him over his head with them I am then going to….

Male voice: CERAS

Alexander let out a very high pitch scream that put a cockatoo to shame

Male voice: oh I em so sorry ceras

Alexander: who the bloody hell are you and what the fuck do you want!

Alexander looked at the man who just scared him he had long light colored hair tied back in a braid and a patch over his right eye, a bandage covered his nose, and by using the great use of common sense Alexander figured out by the mans uniform that this guy was part of hellsing.

Male: it zis me Pip and I was only saying 'ello

Alexander:.. … .. .oh.. … so who the fuck are you again

Pip: are you feeling okay

Alexander: am I feeling fine? Am I feeling fine? AM I FUCKING BLOODY FEELING FINE? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL HOW IT FEELS TO BE IN A WOMANS BODY HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO HAVE A BASTARD VAMPIRE CONTANTILY EGGING YOU ON? HOW IT FEELS TO BE THE UNDEAD ALL BECAUSE OF SOME PYCHO BITCH DEMON? HOW I FEEL I FEEL LIKE SHIT

After the small outbreak Alexander was standing in the middle of the hall hyperventilating

Pip: it was only a question

Alexander now beyond pissed turned a kicked pip square in the jaw before he jumped on the poor mercenary pounding his now her fists into Pips face.

Meanwhile back in the land of Italy where Rome used to be where they had coliseums that had seen better days and lots of blood.

Finally after much walking and even more waiting luckily without another incident ceras and maxwell were finally at security check. Maxwell walked through fine without any problems but ceras on the other hand..

Security guy 1: sir please take off your coat

Ceras took it off handing it to the guy while security guy 2 used those scanner thingy's after being done the guy was about to hand Andersons coat back when a blade fell out of a pocket.

Ceras: that's not mine

Security guy number 1: uhh sir you have to come with us

Ceras: I swear to god that isn't mine

Security guy 2: sir I am sure that is yours

Ceras: how could it be mine look at me I am a priest I am appalled to violence why on earth would I ever own something like.. ..

Just then after shacking the coat slightly 12 more blades fell from the coat

Ceras: that.. .. look what's that

Having pointed at something random ceras turned and ran like hell sadly thought it wasn't far before she was tackled and dragged away by security.

Meanwhile back in London where guards with big fluffy hats stand guard the palace of Buckingham

Alexander: you… fucking.. Bastard.. Go.. to.. Hell..

Alexander with each word slammed Pips head against the floor s/he was currently strangling the mercenary who was turning a unusual color of blue

Alexander: filthy.. Heathen.. Die

Lucky for pip Walter walked into the room

Walter: oh mr. anders.. … . .WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM, GET OFF HIM, GET OFF HIM

Walter ran forward managing to pry Alexander off of pip, Alexander not wanting to finish trying to kill the poor man started to kick and scream

Alexander: let me go now

Walter: please settle down Mr. Anderson

Pip had rolled to the side and started to cough violently getting air into his lungs

Pip: what 'cough' the 'hack' hell 'wheeze' is the matter with her

Alexander: I am not a woman damn it I am a man, A MAN I TELL YOU A MAN

Walter: keep it down before sir Integra hears you

Alexander: I don't give a damn let the whole world hear me I AM A MAN

Integra: WALTER!

Walter: to late.. pip hurry take her down to her room and lock her in her coffin, hide her from site, please I will explain later

The last part Walter added after seeing pips face turn to horror, sighing the solider complied grabbing the kicking and screaming Alexander and dragged her down the hall, for good measures he covered her mouth to muffle her screams

Walter quietly: I promise I will repay u later

Just then Integra came storming around the corner

Integra: Walter what the devil is going on here, and who was shouting at the top of there lungs I am a man

Walter quickly thinking up a lie: I was practicing

Integra: practicing?

Walter: yes for a play, Me and some of them men are planning to put on

Integra: a play?

Walter: yes its called.. ..I am a man, thus all the shouting.. its about a man who wakes up looking like a woman and later finds out he switched bodies with someone else who was a woman because they angered an evil ancient sorceress

Integra: is see.. Walter?

Walter quietly: yes ma'am

Integra: I know you may be practicing but please keep it down I have a headache

Walter: yes ma'am

After Integra left Walter silently sighed

Walter: well at least it wasn't a complete lie

Meanwhile down the stairs

Pip: stop zit now

Pip was dragging Alexander down the hall kicking and screaming, Alexander bit pips hand hard making it bleed

Pip: ouch you son of a bitch

Alexander tried to make another break for it stomping onto pips foot making him let go of Alexander long enough for the human made vampire to make a run for it, sadly thought as it reached the corner it was closed lined knocking it back and hitting the floor hard enough to fall into unconsciousness

Alucard: need help?

Pip: thank you

Alucard: don't mention it, aren't you supposed to have a frenchish accent

Pip walked forward picking up the unconscious wo/man

Pip: well uhh 'hack' 'cough' what zis wrong with her

But when pip turned towards alucard he was gone leaving the mercenary alone in the hall

Pip mumbling to self: well zat is vampires for you, one minute zey are zere helping you next zey either have disappeared leaving you alone to contemplate or doge bullets and wonder what ze hell is going on, that or bite you bloody head off in a bloody mess.

With this said pip walked soundly down to the basement where ceras coffin was.

What shall happen next will ceras get out of security? will Alexander regain consciousness? will alucard ever appear again? will Integra ever find out? will pip get rabies from being bitten? and will everything ever go back to normal? The answers to this and much much more next time.. .. .by the way the answer for the last one is no

A/N: ello folks long time no scribble scrabble write, anyways been busy haven't gotten much done lately but yeah.. have fun, stay safe, don't drink and drive, and read and review.. .. . mostly the no drinkey drivey one and the read and review

Kyo clone 1: till next time folks

Kyo clone 2: same place same time, same insane idiot

Author: HARRASEMENT


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